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Sex Advice From… Liz Phair

The Timeout Chat Show

Liz Phair: ‘There’s a bravery to just saying what you really feel’

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“Take a page from the book of a**holes;” Rock’s queen of candor takes on readers questions, March 11, 2004

Taking time out from touring, Liz whips out her sexual-adventure kit and goes where no pop star has gone before: into the Nerve mailbag, to answer reader questions about love, loss and inadequate lubrication.

Dear Liz: I have recently ended a fourteen-year relationship. (Actually, my wife ended it; she decided to “work late”, if you know what I mean.) Anyway, it’s time to get back in the game. What’s your best advice for moving forward? Basically, should I sleep with anyone whenever possible, or be a little more selective? -— Cuckolded in Cali

If you just got out of a long-term relationship, you might need to have some stupid little quickies, but that’s not going to help you move on. Here’s what will: instead of wasting all that energy sleeping with nondescript people, marshal your creative forces. I always think a breakup is the time to do the things you never quite had the energy to do. That’s how I made this last record. There’s no better time than feeling scorned to marshal your creative efforts or your business efforts. Inevitably, if you’re successful, or if you’re doing something that’s exciting you, good people will be attracted to you.

If you want to go out and sleep with a couple of people just because, go ahead. I think that’s always good, because you will very quickly learn how boring and depressing it is. So give it a shot. “Act out,” if you will. Try not to contract any diseases or really hurt anybody’s feelings in the process.

Hi Liz: I’m not a virgin and have been sexually active. My boyfriend of two years has asked me to try anal sex with him. I’m intrigued, but I’m also scared about the pain. Is this dirty or unhygienic? And if I overcome my fears and agree to do this, what exactly do I do in terms of making it pleasurable? — Donna

Okay, I have hardly had enough experience in this area, but I’ve had a little bit. It’s not dirty or weird; gay men do it all the time. It can be painful, so go slow, use lots of lube and — this is essential — make sure you have an orgasm first.

Dear Liz:
Do you, or women in general, find a man with little sexual experience to be sexy, or weird? Hypothetically, let’s just say he’s eighteen. — Hypothetically Brian

Nothing repels me faster than a guy who’s got his moves down. There are no moves that are just “moves”. There are only your moves that you learn to develop with the women that you love. Some people like that whole, “I’m more experienced than you,” thing, but I think of that as some deeply rooted problem, like insecurity. I’m dating a younger man right now, but he’s more than my equal. And it’s not an age thing. To me, “good in bed” means that you’re communicating. The interplay should be effortless. You should be able to take your spirit to another dimension. You want to be lost in it.

Never underestimate your ability to hone in on her body and her reactions. Slow down, take a long time and explore. Women love it. Say, “I don’t know what I’m doing yet, but I’m dying to devour you between your legs.” Touch her breasts, see how she reacts. The body will tell you if you slow down and pay attention. Just be honest about your experience level. Do not hold off on the enthusiasm, but don’t go jumping for anything. Say you woke up from sleepwalking and you’re in a bog. You have to navigate the footing that will either sink you or keep you standing. Get your bearings and like test it out. Move slowly, and when you get better, then you can move faster. Just show a lot of enthusiasm. And again, when I say enthusiasm, I do not mean panting and screaming. That’s scary. Just be really into it. If she sees that you want to be with her, that’s exciting right there. And then, if she sees that you’re going to be super-slow and discover what arouses her, she might discover stuff. You may uncover things she doesn’t even know about her body, which is even better than a guy who thinks he already knows how to do it. You can learn things together. The body will tell you, if you listen.

Dear Liz:
My wife and I have talked frequently about having sex with another person, man or woman. However, she always ducks out of the topic when it looks like it could actually happen. We have several friends we’re interested in, and in a purely joking context we’ve agreed that we might all have a fling. My question is, what are some safe ways we could move from talking about this to acting on it?” — Plus One

It doesn’t sound to me like your wife wants to have group sex; it sounds to me like she’s afraid of losing you. Here’s my question: why did you get married if you wanted to have sex with other people? You should be in a swinging relationship. I don’t think your wife is wrong to feel threatened by your desire to have sex with other people or to see her have sex with other people. What’s going on, I think, is that you got married but didn’t really understand what you were agreeing to. I think getting married kind of implies that you don’t want to have sex with other people. There’s nothing wrong with not being married. I think people get married too quickly, for the wrong reasons. You have to be honest about who you are and what you want. I think you’ve got bigger issues than whether she wants to have a threesome. If you go down that route, you may break up your marriage, so you better think about that.

Dear Liz: What songs or albums would you suggest for sex? -— Alan

Dear Alan:
I never listen to music when I have sex. Even if the music were on, I wouldn’t hear it. That’s just me.

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