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Sex Advice from Liz Phair

Who’s That Playgirl?

GameZone Interviews Recording Artist Liz Phair

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eigning queen of candor. There’s no sexual paradigm she didn’t apply any number of stun guns to, from embracing minivan-driving mommyhood to baring her mainstream ambitions with a terrific album of radio-ready pop late last year. (The most quoted song on the record is “H.W.C.” a.k.a. “Hot White Come”.) Taking time out from touring the album, Liz whips out her sexual-adventure kit and goes where no pop star has gone before: into the Nerve mailbag, to answer reader questions about love, loss and inadequate Lubrication. here’s part one. We hope to have her back. — Michael Martin, February 2004

Hey Liz,
I’m in my late 30s, female and basically gay. I’m cute (in a Mary Lou Retton-at-a-Pink-concert kind of way) and in my sexual prime, but I live in a small, semi-conservative college town. There are no gay bars, no “out” crowds. However, I contend that every woman is a few beers away from bisexuality. Is it appropriate to flirt with, cruise and try to pick up random girls if I find them attractive, regardless of their sexual orientation? — Exiled in Guyville

Dear Exiled:
A couple of things pop into my mind here. First of all, if you’re going to “turn” a hetero girl, it’s basically like stealing somebody’s boyfriend. You might be able to date that stolen person, but she’s always going to grapple with that issue, and you won’t be able to have a normal relationship. When you’re dating someone who’s gone same-sex for the first time, you have two issues at hand: a) do we like each other?, and b) is she comfortable with her identity? That’s a big pain in the ass. It’s hard enough to have a relationship, period. Seek out someone who self-identifies as bisexual or lesbian. You don’t want to deal with all that shit. You don’t want to sit through hours and hours of talking about how they feel about their identity. If you’re in your late 30s, you just want to have great sex with someone who’s a lot of fun and is ready to be supportive. In sum: screen. Don’t just go after the women you find attractive. That’s another important issue: when you’re not having sex, everyone looks hot. But when you’re actually trying those people out — like kissing them or smelling them or whatever — they’re not. Half the people who look amazing are just shitty in bed. So seek out the sexually comfortable, and cut down the odds against you.

Dear Liz,
Whenever I meet a girl, I fall into one of two categories: “Just a Friend” or “Full-On Boyfriend”. Usually, I’m into being a boyfriend, but having recently been released by my last girlfriend, I just want to meet some girls and fuck. However, I never seem to be able to convey that to women. They just don’t see me that way. I’ve never had a sexual relationship that didn’t turn serious, and I worry I’m missing out on the best sex of my life. How can I make girls stop thinking, “What a nice guy” and make them think, “I want him to bend me over this bar right now”? — Too Good to be Screwed

Hey Screwed:
Even if you succeed in making women want you to “bend them over the bar right now,” if you do it well, they’re gonna want to keep you as a boyfriend. Fact. Women want a guy who can make them feel that way, because so few do. I think Eddie Murphy said it best, “If you’re making them go [ten seconds of loud panting, followed by whooping], they want you.”

You say you’re a nice guy. Well, nice guys just don’t have cheap sex with women. My best advice is to take a page out of the book of assholes. Assume that identity. Be a player. Go to a bar and just tell a hot girl everything she wants to hear: “You are soooo beautiful. I’m really looking for a girlfriend right now. I want to get very very serious.” Just fuckin’ lay it on thick. Chances are she’ll immediately say, “Yeah, this guy’s full of shit,” but she’ll probably sleep with you anyway. And when she calls you, just don’t call her back.

You can’t have the spoils of an asshole without being an asshole. If you want the spoils of an asshole, I think it’s your right. You sound like the kind of guy who’s going to grow up and be solidly married and maybe Christian. So get to know what it’s like to be an asshole. But you’re gonna have to really be that asshole. And that asshole is always running away from the telephone, and he’s always bumping into the girl he slept with last week while he’s got a new girl on his arm. That’s the price you’re going to have to pay!

Dear Liz:
I’m a twenty-five-year-old woman, and my boyfriend of more than a year is a spoiled baby when it comes to oral sex. I pleasure him orally every day, but he refuses to return the favor. Every single time I ask him to do it, he simply says ‘someday’ and…

Sorry, I have to cut you off. This is a deal-breaker. Run run run. I will not help you; I will not treat you. You must break up with him. This relationship cannot be saved.

Dear Liz:
Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex and I bring her to the point of no return, she always stops me right before she has an orgasm. We have been together for over a year and she has never orgasmed for me. I can understand that I can’t expect it every time but to actually stop someone when you’re about to have one is beyond me. How can I get her to loosen up and let me let her get off? — Guy Interrupted

Dear Guy:
I know exactly how to do this. And I almost hate to say it, but you have to take control. There’s an erotic thing you can do where you’re whispering in her ear, but you’re commanding her in a soft voice while you’re touching her gently. You’re not scaring her, you’re not forcing her. Your body’s on top of her, and you’re not allowing her to squirm away. This is probably going to arouse her, because it sounds like she has an inability to allow herself to let go. She needs permission; she needs someone to demand that she come. So you’ve got to do this in this insistent, whispery way, in her ear. Create this erotic story. Tell her where you’re going and what you’re doing and that you’re just going to keep doing it, it doesn’t matter how long it takes, and she’s gonna be a good girl, and da da da, just for you.

This is where the feminists come in, shrieking, ‘What are you saying?’ There’s a real fine line here. Listen, if she has real issues — if she’s ever been abused in any way — of course you need to find that out. She could have had some real trauma in her life that’s inhibiting her. But if she’s just one of those girls who grew up thinking she wasn’t supposed to feel this way, or that her hootchie was gross or something like that, you need to be gently — let me restate this — gently insistent. Keep whispering in her ear and work it out ’til she can’t stop.

Dear Liz:
I’m a young woman who has always had very conservative boyfriends. Do you have any advice for spicing up my current relationship with my new man? What do you think is the best way to approach threesomes? Orgies? — Aspiring Groupie

Dear Groupie,
I’ve always been a one-on-one kind of person. Orgies and threesomes don’t appeal to me, and sometimes I suspect they appeal to other people because intimacy is a problem for some of the parties involved. Now, I’ve watched Real Sex — I can see there are people who really like to be with a lot of other people, and that’s great for them. I can’t speak on that, because that’s not me. Whenever I’ve wanted to “spice up my life”, it’s usually because I’m having trouble being vulnerable with someone, and I’m trying to distract myself with, like, circus antics. And it’s never as gratifying as a truly intimate experience with another person. Because I don’t know your boyfriend, I don’t know how to get him to be better in bed or more exciting, but I think some emotional connection, some intimacy, is missing. Usually I don’t get really hot for somebody until I’ve gotten to know them. It’s unavoidable that intimacy leads to innovation. One more thing: I didn’t hear you say you loved him. If he’s not doing it for you, get a different boyfriend. Find someone you can love, and the sex will be better.

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