WHY SHOULD WE ELECT YOU?
I have a great sense of fairness, and I am very solemn.
YOUR TOP THREE CAMPAIGN PROMISES?
I’d eliminate big business in national parks. I’d direct massive amounts of money to education. And I’d make sure women received equal pay for equal work.
WHAT WOULD BE THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE TO A FEMALE PRESIDENT?
Not starting wars while PMS-ing.
WHICH OF YOUR ACTIVITIES WOULD CHALLENGE YOUR SPIN DOCTORS MOST?
They would constantly hear me saying, “I’m sorry, guys. I can’t come in today.” I lack a consistent work ethic.
WHAT’S THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE COUNTRY AND HOW WOULD YOU SOLVE IT?
The problem is a lack of community involvement on the part of teenagers. The solution is that 18-year-olds should take a mandatory year off between high school and college to perform civic services for free, like planting trees, cleaning up parks, testing rivers for toxicity, or working at the day care centers on the South Side of Chicago.
WHOM WOULD YOU APPOINT TO YOUR CABINET?
As secretary of defense, Colin Powell. Secretary of state, Bobbi Dougherty (my real estate agent). Secretary of commerce, Merv Griffin. Secretary of agriculture, Jimmy Carter. Energy secretary, Harvard professor Stephen Jay Gould. Treasury secretaries, the Indigo Girls. Secretary of education, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Labor secretary, Warren Beatty. Transportation secretary, Forrest Gump. Secretary of the interior, Jon Krakauer. Head of health and human services, Jocelyn Elders.
WRITE THE VERY FIRST HEADLINE ABOUT YOUR ADMINISTRATION.
WHITE HOUSE REDECORATION IS UNDER WAY.
YOU WOULD PARDON…
Jesus.
YOU WOULD LEGALIZE…
Marijuana, euthanasia, and streaking.
YOU WOULD OUTLAW…
Smoking cigarettes.
YOU WOULD VETO…
Tax codes that allow the very wealthy to shelter their income; the rights of neo-Nazis to march; and bans on abortion.
NAME THREE OBJECTS YOU MUST HAVE IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
A huge, wonderful stereo system, a collection of modern art, and a pet tiger named Shabazz to keep my staff on their toes.
WHAT WOULD YOU WANT HISTORIANS TO SAY ABOUT YOUR PRESIDENCY?
Damn, she looked good!
George, September 1998